Flying Dreams

I am blogging from a bus! *squeals of jetlagged joy*

This is gonna make any interstate bus ride awesome, for as long as it's FREE wifi. Yay, free!

I'm so fried. More to tell after brain reboots.

It's the last night of my weeklong vacation visiting my parents and brother and his wife and three kids. I'm in a house in the hills of Richmond, as the sun sets over some very pretty misty hills. San Francisco, where we had a grand Italian dinner, is just some little blocks across the bay, like sugar cubes standing in the last strip of sunlight. 'Twas a very fancy restaurant, they even had an appetizer of truffles. Not truffle oil, truffles. I thought about partaking, but decided that I like being a person who never has a craving for one of the most expensive foods that there is. It's been a good week. I was worried I'd not have the energy to be a fantasticly fun Auntie, but my nephews and niece warmed quickly to me and are eager for any bit of attention I can give them. It is tiring, but a happy sort of tired. Still, I'm relieved there are no babies in my future: I saw my brother and sister-in-law drifting around in the haze of the eternally exhausted. If I have to spend years in that state, I'd rather it be for some other reason: finishing a PhD, writing a book, cranking out painting after painting. Mmmmm. These clouds would be a lovely backdrop to a painting: butterscotch yellow underneath, purples and greys on top, spread over the sky like a single stroke of frosting.

I think I need to bake a cake soon, I keep thinking about the smells of a cake that's just about done and the smearing of the frosting and the sight of it, whole and perfect and complete. One of my nephews is big into playing with the new space-themed legos: everyone has a base and ships, and have to attack each other. I grew tired of laser guns and bombs and switched to throwing pies and cakes at all attackers. Then I grew a plastic garden, and built an oven and a bakery for the perfect circle of fresh fruit and yummy pies. I've never actually baked a pie, and it's been years since my last cake from scratch, but there's something really satisfying about baking, even if it's from a box, with a can of chemical-laden frosting, all ready to go. I'm pretty good with chocolate-chip cookies, maybe I will feel up to frosting soon.

California's a mellow place, no doubt. Not a place I'd like to live, but nice enough for visiting. This is my first visit in a few years, and it's changed little. But it's changed my parents, calmed them down a little . . . or is that just dad's retirement? I'm not as tense around them as I used to be. Maybe I've changed, too. There are big important parts of my life that I can't talk about with them, but that distance feels comfortable rather than deceptive. I don't really like riding around in cars so much of the day, but it does give me time to mull over some things that need further pondering. This time tomorrow I'll be waiting to board my redeye for a much more hellish flight home, but I don't care. Coyote will be at the other end, with my other menfolk closer at hand. I can't wait.

"Where do you live, Simon?"

"I live in the weak and the wounded."

One of my favorite scary movies is free and legal for anyone to watch, if you can stand a few commercials.

http://www.hulu.com/session-9

You'll have to sign up to see it, but it's worth it. The featured chair was built by an old friend of mine. Well-done psychological horror pleases me greatly.

A day that has horsies, horsies, horsies, horsies and monkeys in it is a fine day, by definition. My parents visited last weekend and gave me a pair of overalls that make me feel like climbing trees and playing hopscotch. I think they'll be the sort of thing I wear until they're unpatchable. There's more to update about but I'm full of good food and slipping into a contented doze. Oh, and it's bedtimeish. Whoooo.

Clothing:
Schoolgirl/HP skirt
Jumper (American usage)
Cowgirl bottom
Flowy ballerina skirt

Leatherwork:
iPod medecine bag
Flogger
Cat o' Nine
Cowgirl top
Roman or Greek sandals
Bridle
Working horsetail or converter

So that day of nothing I was craving, I got it today. Considered starting about five different projects, shoved them all aside in favor of napping, reading a funny book about an ex-ad exec who takes a string of shitty jobs just to see what it's like, and chilling on IV and other relaxing online pursuits.

Of course, I can play online at work all 19 hours a week I'm working this semester as I've only taken lab monitor shifts, but it isn't the same, being in an empty lab instead of in my comfy dish chair, feet away from Coyote. I feel sort of restless, like bedtime is swiftly approaching and there's some sort of Nothing that I failed to do. The same sort of itch I'd always used to get on the last day of a vacation, or Sunday nights.

Oh, I did accomplish two things! Grocery shopping and baking chocolate-chip cookies. I've been baking up a storm all Winter and Fall, to the extent that I grabbed a chemical-laden cookie and found it inedible. I don't bake a wide range of things: chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookies, an occasional cheesecake, sometimes pancakes or drop biscuits.

I can almost bake my half-batches of chocolate chip cookies without glancing at the recipe on the back of the chocolate chip bag, though. That's pretty badass. I wouldn't be surprised if I started getting tired of spending the extra money for chocolate chips and just started buying those big chunks of chocolate from Whole Foods and chopping them up. We're transitioning towards making more stuff from scratch in general, and it's a very tasty choice indeed. I totally don't miss the flavors of all that frozen crap, though I do wish for faster meals sometimes. I should cook pasta on random days and keep it handy for when I want to toss it with some margarine and call it a fast, hot lunch.

This day to be an official breather between semesters is nice. A lighter load is also nice, hopefully I can pick up some freelance gigs to round out my time without pushing myself too hard. As long as there's time to roleplay and play with leather, there'll be no complaints from me. For now, though, the lure of You Want Fries with That? beckons again, eager to remind me that there are jobs so much worse than mine, in so many ways.

Doing okay today, just can't get myself motivated to start either of my homework. Dammit. Not allowed to slack, this is just a Wintersession. Save the slack for Spring, when I have more time to catch up if I just don't get any work done for a week.

I know just what it is. Big huge hole kicked in my ego equals confidence on all art-related fronts sagging. I can't even cut leather lace, but that may be because it hurts like hell. I think I'm both doing it wrong and with scissors that are too dull for the task. This weekend was wonderful with many fine things happening . . . but a minimum of unplanned free time, which means my week hasn't started and I'm dragging.

Friends online and off have helped me put what happened at last Thursday's class in a better light, but it still fucking sucks and I reserve the right to whine more later.

Right now, I have to Do Nothing for ten minutes. Then sample/put away my first try at Oatmeal Raisin cookies, pack my dinner, get stuff together and go. Headway can be made on my Storyboarding homework at the lab, and if it's done tonight or early tomorrow, I can use a chunk of my time tomorrow on inking those two pieces for Designing Character. This week's homework may not be very good, but if it gets done, that's really all I need.

With extra free time, I can hope to start (and/or finish) that special project this weekend. And a dozen other things. Somewhere I have energy reserves, really.



Well, there's copious amounts of tasty just-for-me caffeine in my fridge. That'll have to stand in for real energy.

Oh my Gods, I'm busy. The only way I can do an update is in soundbite form, and reverse order.

Today- Snow, lovely snow! Not enough to cancel work and classes, but I'm still pleased to be in such a snowy winter. At this rate, my Birthday Snow won't be melting 'til March or April. Yay!

Yesterday- Got everything figured out for a project that's more complex than any I've ever done before. Will the net result be awesome? We'll soon find out.

Monday- Coyote can thank Sarah Palin for a lovely new development in his sex life.

Sunday- I went to the Episcopalian Church around the corner from me, for the third time. After the enlivening service and sermon, they gave me a free lunch and I got to learn all about the many, many things they do for the community. Moved and amazed, I volunteered to help make a mosaic, since really . . . the dollar or so that I can give isn't gonna do squat for their bills.

Saturday- I went to the Temple also around the corner from me, for the second time. Didn't stay for Torah study, but I'm sure I will eventually. Right now I'm just easing into reading Hebrew again and learning this Temple's melodies for the prayers. After Temple I got to buy some art supplies for this semester. Pondering over the prices of high-quality markers, I decided to stop being a pussy an just buy some ink. I'm very comfortable with my brushwork, I just have to dedicate some brushes to being ink-only.

Friday- End of week 2 of the semester. Thud.

Thursday- Whirlwind of cleaning, and now all that's left to do is vacuum the living room floor, and we'll have a more or less clean packrat's apartment, for the first time in many many months. The only comment I got (several times) on my Designing Character homework was, "the knees look wrong". I'm giving up on drawing satyrs for that class and switching to humans and funny animals.

Wednesday- Guatanamo Bay closing as one of your first official acts? I <3 OBAMA! As if that weren't awesome enough, that was my first full day with my iPod. I've wanted one since it was first rumored that Apple was developing some sort of mp3 player, and now I have one that's shiny and purple and so tiny. It still boggles me that I can carry 8 gigabytes in my hand. (Someday I'll be able to afford one large enough to house my whole mp3 collection, but that day is not in this year.) I remember when I got an iMac with a 1 Gigabyte hard drive, and being ecstatic about how huge that was. Now my 80 Gig Macbook Hard Drive is far too small for my needs. Le sigh. Oh well, I'll probably get a new 'puter some months after my next trip to Europe.

Tuesday- Inauguration Day! I watched the main events (noon to one, or so) on a movie screen with a theatre full of RISD students. You should've heard the screams when the Justice of the Peace named him "President Obama" for the first official time. The speech was quite good, I have little to compare it to since I barely ever listen to or read political speeches. Of course I love the mention of not giving up privacy for safety, but the thing that really struck me was when he called America a nation of Christians, a nation of Muslims, a nation of Jews, a nation of nonbelievers. Has anyone ever included Agnostics and Athiests in a summation of our national religions before? As far as I know, they haven't. And yet, I'm one of maybe four people my age who attends organized religious meetings. My three lovers are all Agnostics (though, in a crisis, I wouldn't be surprised to see one taking on Native American spirituality, one praying to the Gods of Asgard, and one to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit) and just about everyone else in my generation and the two below that I interact with are Agnostics or Athiests. But they're also Americans, and the President just told them that they matter as well. I'm really surprised and delighted. I liked the blessing that controversial Reverend gave, the last part really made me laugh. When the poet came, I was really surprised to see an unknown (to me) rather than Maya Angelou. I found out later that Ms. Angelou had crafted an Inaugural poem for my hero Clinton, so of course Obama wanted to let another poet take the spotlight. Eh, it was okay. I think my favorite part of the whole thing was watching Yo-Yo Ma playing with Iztak Pearlman and the others. Yo-Yo Ma just looked absolutely thrilled, honored to be playing in this historical moment. It really did feel like I was a part of living history, and a part of the Global Village. I thought about all the other eyes trained on these same speeches, these same three black people in a row standing up and talking about my country and what this day means to it. I've only felt like that on two other occasions: 9/11, when we mourned together and grasped for meaning to horrible tragedy, and Kurt Cobain's death, when we did the same. This was my first joyful unity with much of the rest of the world, and it invigorated me all day, made me forget my headcold and all my stress. I was cheering on Hilary Clinton during the first part of the election (of course) and bitterly disappointed that she didn't get the nomination (of course), but I've got to say, that Barrack fellow is an easy guy to love. Competent, young, charismatic, and he has a full command of the English language. Hooray!

From bifemmefatale source unknown:

We, the United States of America, your top quality supplier of ideals of democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional from this point forward. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding.

Sincerely,
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA


It's so true. Longer entry of Inauguration Day and the other adventures of this week whenever I recover.

Second week of the semester, also not such a good start. I'm sick, of the same sort of head-stuffed-with-cotton sort that I've had far too much of in the past few months. Wasn't this state my whole November, pretty much? I'm sure it would've been a hard thing to deal with work today, but RIPTA conspired against me (again, second time in four days; guess I'm walking or biking to work from now on) and after a full half-hour of standing in the cold, I gave up and emailed in sick.

Thus my evening has been like the rest of my day. Muddled, muzzled, muffled. I'm awake but can't really do anything, can barely manage a few minutes of sitting up. My head is too heavy, my eyes ache and my ears burn, and a mask of pressure over my face. Ick ick yuck. Today would be a lovely day to start my homework, if I could access the creative portion of my mind. It's there, but the wool is too thick, I can't reach it now.

At least this week is now only gonna be four days of work and classes, and there's only one homework due. Not overwhelmingly hard, though I'm nervous. I want to experiment with human figures, but can I find a happy medium between super-cartoony and hyper-realism that I'm accomplished enough to pull off?

I predict that this week will suck until whatever point on Thursday that my homework is done, and then it will be pretty fun. As always, there are fine things mixed in with the dull. Any week that has two scheduled visits to two seperate libraries is not a terrible week for any scholarly type.

This is the first week of the new semester, the first time since August that I've had things that had to be done outside my home on a regular basis. I'm no longer fearful that it'll overwhelm me, as I didn't get a TA post in the Saturday morning class. I was looking forward to learning how to do super-cutesy along with the kids, but I definitely was not looking forward to leaving the Fetish Fleamarket to TA the last class, so I guess it works out. Still need another part-time job or some freelance work, but my Resting Phase is coming up quickly- I expect it to descend in late February or early March, and I'll hopefully be Dancing again in early Fall. I took a freelance assignment for a friend at the tail end of my Dancing phase last year, and ended up just plain never finishing. I'm going to try again to get into this oDesk thing anyway: it looks like there are small bite-size jobs I could do, when I really have the time and focus for them.

But I've joined the staff of my Werewolf LARP, and that's my biggest headache right now. I haven't even checked the forums in two days, which means there'll be dozens of threads to read, probably five or ten new messages in my inbox, and impatient players and fellow-staff to deal with. It's not the players that are giving me the stress, for once. There's a stampede of drama llamas, mostly coming from within the staff. There was supposed to be a staff meeting last night, and I spent all day dreading it. Only to call and find out it was postponed for a week, which means I have six more days to dread it, yay. I'm not the only one with my viewpoint, at least, but damn. This is just a big ball of suck, and it's hard to juggle while I'm still thinking about art supplies and how much I need to bundle up to brave the two coldest days in five years and how my first Storyboarding class being cancelled is gonna fuck with my late-February schedule and how I'm going to stand six weeks of withering crits from my least-favorite professor at RISD with my ego more or less intact and and and and . . .

Yeah. It's a lot, but I can manage it. Thank the fucking Gods wintersession is only six weeks long.

I'm up too early again, and grumpy. I'm dreading this semester, I'm dreading my severe cutback on free time and keeping up with two classes and TAing two more (one of which is 9am-noon on Saturday mornings, eek!). It hasn't started and I feel mentally exhausted just glancing at my schedule. At least it's only six weeks, and earning money means we can pay bills. These are good things.

Wondering if I'm mentally healthy enough to dive in like this . . . well, not such a good thing. I'll ease off in my Spring semester: one class, no TAing, but hopefully eBay or Freelance work for extra income. I need a buttload to cover just the travel costs of my next zany European adventure, which I'm still hoping to take in the late summer/early fall. I had this thought that maybe I'd get people to pay me for doing my Designing Character homework. But really, I'm not good enough yet. My humanoid forms need much more work, and few would pay me to draw their lupus characters, or Gangrel in beast form.

So people got fired with no warning or severance on LJ, and lots of LJers are panicking, backing up their journals and such. I'll probably do that in a week or two, after the craziness dies down. I'm not as frightened of LJ death as others seem to be, but I sure would be pissed if I logged in to a "no site here, move along" error message some morning before I'd done a backup. There's good shit in here, going on seven years of it. I want a pdf and a selectable-text copy, if those are seperate things.

I suppose one good thing is that I get to go art-supply shopping. Feels so good to walk around a store with at least $20 that's okay to be used for non-food items. I miss having more pocket money, but that'll happen when school is done and I can do the full-time job thing.

In the meantime, I've had a surge of crafty-creativity lately, which includes my first forays into leatherworking, playing with my beadloom, and bracelet sort of things that I turn into cool halters for my My Little Ponies. I also finished my first no-pattern skirt (it's crooked, but I don't care) and hemmed some neat pants I bought for $5 a month ago, and repaired the skirt I got married in. So it's like I've bought a bunch of new clothes. Oh, and right before Christmas I did buy a bunch of new clothes, thanks to Ezra. Two weeks before I can pay her back, I hope. Three's more likely. She insisted I take the bright blue and purple tape deck hoodie, and I'm so glad she did. I love all the new things I got, but that one's the best.

Having new things to wear in addition to my 8-year-old T-shirts and such makes me feel less angsty about being poor. Coyote is a genius who always manages to make food appear on the table, but it's the girly things like new clothes that give me an extra skip in my step.

I had an absolute fucking blast at Mikal and Ezra's LARP yesterday. Oh my Gods.

Really, where to start? I have never ever broken one plot in my whole 24 years as a gamer, and in the space of a very brief conversation, I broke two. Two plots, at once, and the answer was so simple and logical. Of course, now there's a Glass Walker who wants to kill my Stargazer, but, eh . . . good luck with that. My oddball Stargazer was not only useful for a change, she really did single-handedly stop a large and messy war. Or at least, postpone it. Only the Sept Alpha remarked on it aloud, and nobody gave me a player nod for it. I get player nods for much more important things, you see, like chasing moths around and surrounding myself with circles of polished stones. *giggles*

Later, I got to change gears completely and start my Narrator responsibilities, by playing a loudmouth Fianna Ragabash who was created just to be someone's Mentor . . . but ended up being the best Fool that the Sept of Vigilant Light has ever had. The Truthcatcher pushed the Bone through her guts at one point! And you're not supposed to even make eye contact with the Fool! Oh man, this is gonna be so much fun. Maybe she'll be the catalyst that gets those horribly-played Fenrir to change, die, or leave. Really, anything would be preferable to a pack of bloodthirsty idiots who get to go on murdering without consequence.

Rude would cry if he saw these Fenrir, he really would. It's like a whole pack of Breast, only far less friendly and sociable and intelligent. There are two members that don't suck quite as much, but because they're so influenced by the assholes, they follow their example. Such a pity. These guys make Matthew Jackson look like a sweetly smiling saint, they're really atrocious. Very good Beast-of-War Spirals, very very bad Gaian garou.

The best part of the moot, though, was seeing people laugh. Or rather, stifle their laughs into smiles, as they didn't want to lose Renown for what I was saying as Fool.

Sept Alpha: "That isn't Respecting the Territory of Another! If I want to touch your sausage, I can just do so. Respecting the Territory of Another is going up to the borders of someone's packlands and introducing yourself, that's all it is!"

Fool: "So remember, if you want to touch the Alpha's sausage, you must go up and introduce yourself first."

And then I walked up to the Alpha, tried to shake his hand, and said, "Hi, my name's Brooke, short for No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn . . ." He did not even look at me, as was proper.

Laughter had been missing from moots for a long time. When the Fenrir Ragabash stands as Fool, she definitely does her job: she accuses people openly and harrasses them about their various flaws. But there is no laughter, and neither is it there when anyone else stands as Fool. Even though that Moot erupted into violence on many occasions and the Rite was broken, it was the funniest one I've been in for a long time.

If I step down as Narrator and Shulamith dies, I believe I must play a Homid Waning Moon Ragabash of some sort. It's just too much fun to be nasty, funny, and disruptive. Go Trickster, go!

This is the first piece of jewelry I've ever gotten from a lover.

The same one who wished me happy birthday at exactly midnight in his timezone last night.

With a digital cake and everything.

Rude rocks my socks.

So now it's my birthday proper, and all kinds of things are great! Just look at the presents I've stacked up:

From my Landlord, the gift of heat! Really really nice after 6 days without!

From Father Sky, the gift of snow! Sure, it'll mean I probably won't see that cool sunset planet-convergence, but . . . SNOW!!!! I'm gonna go run around in it later.

From my sub, Eminem's Curtain Call, which is something I've been wanting for awhile and could never afford.

From my husband, a book called Wild Horses, photographs of mustangs all over. It's giving me fantasies of going to Assateague like Izzy and Kiki got to, a few summers ago.

Larry's present is still in his living room, as I figured it would be. But that's totally okay, it'll be a big package of lots of awesome stuff and my parents are sending their gift sometime next month, too. So it'll be like a second birthday in January!

I haven't opened Rude's present yet, but I know what sort of thing it is. I just wanna give him the option of watching me open it, because Skype is awesome for shit like that.

No-heat-in-December was the thing that was bugging me most, so that being alleviated is a huge stress release. There are still lots of odd and sad and stressful things in my life right now, but as of now, it's lookin' okay. As Larry said last night when I laid most of it out on his feet, the bad part's almost over. I'm a month from a paycheck, at the most. We can do it, and if I can photograph some Strawberry Shortcake dolls and get some boxes to send them in, then I can use eBay to earn us a bit of breathing room. I hope.

At any rate, 33 is starting out very nicely. I think the last time it snowed was my 30th birthday, which was otherwise a truly terrible day. Far worse than turning 31, now that I recall. I like that I'm home for this birthday, and I've left the day unstructured. All that I know for sure I'm doing is farting around online, washing my hair (in HOT HOT HOT water, yay!!!) and braving the near-whiteout conditions to get some flour or possibly a cake mix and frosting. I think I'm gonna thumb my nose at the snow and wear a pretty birthday girl dress, and put on a bit of makeup and perfume. Because it's my birthday, and I can do whatever I want!

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
I'm as cool as a treeeeeeee,
Happy birthday to me!

It's the day before my birthday. There are four presents under my Birthday Tree, with one still on its way, and another due sometime in January. I'm loved (to the third degree, in the most intense of ways), and I'm nevertheless snarling and miserable. I bit Coyote's head off today, with almost zero provocation, and I'm terrified I'd give the same treatment to my two other loves . . . and anyone else, really.

It's just been hard.

Since September, sucky things just keep happening, and just in the last few days, I'm finally feeling it. Finally responding in the growling, bitter, jaded ways of pretty much any other Gen X-er. It isn't me, I know, but . . . *sigh*

You guys don't know. You don't even know. My paper journal doesn't even know.

I'm blessed with this very poor short-term memory, so that if I don't write down someone's insults, I forget them. I forget the bad stuff, and so I try to avoid writing about it. Why would I want to remember being miserable?

Yet I have been miserable. It's taken the love of three men to keep me from doing horrible things to myself. Last night I needed an escape that roleplaying and my fantasies and art couldn't provide. So I took two shots of gin in five minutes. And I saw why so many crawl into a bottle when shit's bothering them. It's so fast, so easy. Two shots were enough. This knot of heat bloomed in my chest and spread out to all my limbs. And then I was warm and happy, able to yell at my screen and mouth off about the minor annoyances presented to me then.

They called me a mean drunk, but they don't know. I'm just plain mean. The Shit Fairy has been visiting me heavily since . . . well, I guess since leaving England, really. I can't readjust to this life, I need to be closer to him. To them. I need to fold the globe and pinch it down to a tiny spot so that there can be a sofa, with me lying across three laps, purring gratefully.

I need a walk. I need a smoke. I need . . . I need to make things better, faster. Somehow. I don't want to be like this on my birthday, but I guess it doesn't matter. Couldn't have a lamer birthday than my 31st. Couldn't have a better one than my . . . oh, maybe 36th? But I'm not talking about that today. There's too much processing to do today. I need to sing, before I scream.

The Life Experience Test

Overall, you have partaken in 102 out of 169 possible life experiences. Your average life experience score is therefore 60%. The average score is 51%, making your experiences more than 75% of the people who have taken this test. The average for your age group (26-35) is 53%. Broken down by category: Art: 9/17 (53%) Career & Work: 5/13 (38%) Civics & Technology: 4/7 (57%) Crime & Disarray: 4/11 (36%) Education: 14/18 (78%) Fashion: 8/10 (80%) Fitness, Health and Sports: 3/7 (43%) Life in General: 7/14 (50%) Relationships: 9/14 (64%) Religion & Politics: 1/4 (25%) Social: 16/22 (73%) Travel: 12/20 (60%) Vices: 10/12 (83%)

Take the test and see how YOU compare

Fetlife.com is doing a drawing for five of the bestest and largest ever kinky Christmas stockings.

There's good stuff in there and I can't begin to express my gratitude for this site. I've spent at least seven years searching for my local kink scene without getting anywhere. I joined FetLife and found it within two weeks. I'm a member of a brand-new munch that's in one of my favorite cafés once every two weeks, I'm owned and I have a sub. All thanks to FetLife. Every day, I learn more in the various groups that are focused on my interests (Erotic Photography, Ponyplay, Healthy living, etc.) Every day, I grow more confident and comfortable in the BDSM scene. I just can't recommend FetLife highly enough, it has benefitted me in so many ways.

Outside is the first real snowfall of the year for Providence, and it's a good 'un. Almost a whiteout, I can just barely tell that the brick apartment building I can see out my living room windows is actually red. It's a delightful Friday, two days before the Solstice. I made it home from the grocery store just as the first few light flakes were falling. Coyote gave me forty dollars, and it was so much money at once, I almost didn't know how to spend it all.

But of course, I did. Now there's butter and eggs and milk and several dinners and a few snacks, a rare treat for us. But those pickles and sesame sticks will taste so good after a workout. It's a sure thing that the bookstore will close early, which means Coyote will be home earlier. And in two hours, I have a long and fun and very intense (hopefully) TT session.

This is the time of year where I'm scheduled to brag about how lovely it is to not do the presents thing. And this year, I must break that little tradition. I worked my tail off for five straight days, and managed to make two pieces, two illustrations to serve as the presents for my European menfolk. I sent them off on Tuesday, and my brain has more or less recovered. Tomorrow I'll start painting Coyote his present, and then I'm done. But in exchange, my birthday tree will have four presents in it, and my parents aren't even sending me one 'til sometime in January.

I take this as a good sign. For a long while, Coyote and I were hermetically sealed in our den. And now I'm opening up, branching out. Blooming and growing and glowing in the warmth of three loves. I know I go on and on about that, but it's just made such a difference in me this year. There's more to say, but I feel myself ready to doze as the snow lays its soft blankets over the world.

http://www.lanebryant.com/pagebuilder/lane_bryant_product_page?pagesize=3&my_nav=apparel_accessories&cat=dresses&subcat=see%20all&item=1918846&s19b=Dresses%20|%20All&s19c=6

I doubt it'll still be available when I have the funds together to buy it, but damn. That is one pretty dress. Perfect for so many occasions, including when I just feel like playing Princess.

Perhaps I'll mention it to my Irish guy, he keeps mumbling about buying me jewelry and all this other stuff which no lover has ever ever even offered to buy me. I'm really flattered and need to get going on his Winter Holiday present.

While I could take good pictures of my two European guys' presents and send the jpgs, I'd rather they have it to unwrap under the tree. Even if neither of them care much about Christmas. Still and all, I need to get with the drawing/painting/whatever the hell I'm doing. I don't have the cash to send it international express, that's for sure.

But also, I'm finally working on my portfolio site. I think I might end up just having my erotic art site be a whole different one, thus I don't have to be embarrassed about my parents looking at the pictures of satyrs fucking and suchlike. Today's walk (in the first snow!) gave me the inspiration for the main design and basic look, I'll start sketching later tonight.

• YOUR BOY SIDE •
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats.
[x] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[ ] Shopping is torture
[ ] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a DS, PS2, N64,or Sega.
[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[ ] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[ ] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun
[x] You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once

• YOUR GIRL SIDE •
[x] You love to shop.
[x] You wear eyeliner.
[ ] You wear the color pink.
[ ] You go to your mom to talk.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[ ] You cried watching The Notebook.
[x] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[ ] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[x] You are/were in gymnastics
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[ ] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] You like putting make-up on others.
[x] You like being the star of everything.
[ ] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

• Appearance •
[ ] I am shorter than 5'5".
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I sunburn easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different colour.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than two piercings.
[x] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •
[ ] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[ ] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •
[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[ ] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[x] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I’ve had serious surgery.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •
[x] I’ve driven / ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
[ ] I’ve been to Cuba.
[x] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[ ] I’ve gone to Sudbury.
[ ] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.
[x] I’ve been to Florida.

• Experiences •
[ ] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I’ve been to a casino.
[ ] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[ ] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x] I’ve crashed a car.
[ ] I’ve been skiing.
[x] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[ ] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I’ve eaten Sushi.
[x] I’ve been snowboarding.

• Relationships •
[ ] I’m single.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m engaged.

[x] I’m married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

• Honesty / Crime •
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[ ] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[ ] I’ve been arrested.

• Death and Suicide •
[ ] I’m afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone/something dying.
[ ] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[ ] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[ ] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

• Materialism •
[x] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime / manga.
[ ] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[x] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie

• Random •
[x] I can sing well.
[ ] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[x] I open up to others easily
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] I don’t kill bugs.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[ ] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[ ] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[ ] I love spam.
[ ] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[ ] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I like white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[ ] I’m good at remembering names.
[ ] I’m good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[ ] All my answers were totally honest.

I'm seeing a few wish lists crop up on my various blogs and hey, my birthday's coming up. Once again I expect nothing. My parents hinted about getting me an iPod Nano, and maybe Coyote might get me a book. But there's something terribly interesting about the process of making a wish list, and I actually like rereading my old ones and seeing how my tastes have changed. For instance, I no longer hate my hips, so my interest in a custom corset has dropped off considerably.

( Wish List )

You see me riding in the back of a police car. Why did I get arrested?

The first session of Roundabout 2.0 went swimmingly, I'm really liking being the Storyteller for a Tabletop Werewolf game whose players extend from Wisconsin to Sweden. So far, no drama, no bitching, no out-and-out fights: if I attempted a Tabletop game with local friends only, I'm sure at least two would've stormed out in a huff or gotten into a huge argument by now. This is so calm and peaceful and exciting.

I'm loving revisiting my complex and barely-touched Dark Providence setting from a whole different perspective. Two Cubs got to meet one of my favorite NPCs from the original Changeling game, and were left with a lot of thorny questions for their Den Mother. "Are these really the best allies we have?" "Can't we get better ones?" "They kind of sound like leeches, are you sure they're not Wyrmtainted?"

Maybe Anais shouldn't have mentioned tricking Werewolves into breaking their own Litany, even if that wasn't her, and certainly not recent or often. But damn, what Unseelie satyr wouldn't relish the look of horror on two puppies' faces when they saw who they woke up to the morning after the Samhain moot?

Mmmmm, there's a longer post in me about high intelligence, imagination, and roleplaying, but I think I hear the Boulevard politely calling, tugging at my pants leg to come and kick through the leaves. Ahhh, the shushing sound of Fall. And it's even cold out, as if New England finally decided that yes, maybe it is indeed Autumn. Off I go.

So much has changed this week.

Obama won. There's a motherfucking black man who'll be in office come January something, and I'm delightfully surprised about that. I honestly thought my country was too racist for such a thing to happen, but considering how the House and Senate are majority Democratic too, I guess Average Joe American has finally gotten sick of the Dubya Regime and all it's dragged with it.

But there's a strange lull, both on my Friends List and in the streets of my ultraliberal city. Are they in shock at the good fortune, after so much dread? Are they exhausted from the energy of the various campaigns? I don't know. I neither vote nor pay attention to the news, so I'm a step disconnected from it all, including the curious quiet.

Elections do bring out unexpected things. I was somewhat horrified to find out that I personally knew an extreme bigot, bigotted against me and one of my favorite tools for self-exploration. Quietly step back from that friendship and let it go, what else can I do? Bigots do not change, and yelling or quietly expressing my hurt would not do anything to alter that person's core beliefs.

I've changed.

On Tuesday afternoon, I participated in my first real D/s scene. I was the sub, and . . . I don't even know how to express how difficult it is for me to lower all my defenses, give someone total power over me. But I managed it, and spent an hour and a half being a very good girl to my lovely Sir. Seems like so little time, but so much happened . . . I wrote out the whole thing on my FetLife blog, no need to repeat it here.

I just want to say one thing, since there are a lot of kinky folks on my Friends List. Why didn't any of you subs tell me that absolute submission resulted in an amazing high? I've heard a lot of talk of an endorphin rush, so I was expecting an intense afterglow, and that purringly content feeling I get after a good workout. Oh no, intense doesn't cover it. I stepped into a grocery store maybe an hour after the scene ended and realized I was tripping my face off. Couldn't stop staring at the bottom of a stripey squash, ground meat, the food porn they were showing on a big new plasma TV, and so forth. Was convinced for awhile that my feet had somehow switched with the wheels of the cart I was pushing, so that my ankles were connected to wobbly wheels and the cart had four feet and was walking dutifully in front of me. Now I know why it's so addictive, now I know why folks center their whole lives around BDSM. Mmmmmm. More, please. I'm so excited, yet still shy. I haven't yet managed to ask Sir to schedule another session. I know he liked it, too, I really can't explain why I'm being such a chicken. Bawk bawk bawk!

Oh, and my apologies to Joss Whedon and his talented cast and crew: someone sent me a torrent for the Dr. Horrible mp3's a few days ago, before the CD was even released. I took it. I hope that rich geeks will buy a few copies of the CDs and DVDs to make up for we poor geeks who truly, honestly can't.

This NSFW icon is courtesy of Sexy Losers, my new favorite webcomic.

Real entry later tonight, maybe.

This entry is going to meander. There's a lot that's been going on in this crowded noggin of mine, and not enough patience to sit down and pour the words onto page. Never mind that I have three blogs now, and a paper journal. Some things need to stew for awhile, anyway. Marinate in my head.

For two weeks after my grandma died, I had horrid acne. I don't know why this is worth mentioning. I mean, duh, stressful time, but I guess it was such a shock to me. This year, my skin's finally been pimple-free, more or less. So having three or four on my face just felt like regression. I feared that the newfound clear skin was a passing phase, but now I have it again.

Ever since the funeral, I can't stop singing. Daily at least, and often for an hour or more at a time. The service itself was a small, sweet ceremony. Maybe someday I'll describe it in detail but not now. I didn't speak much at all, but I sang. Before my turn, there was some light chuckling, fond memories of our beloved Rose coming to the surface. I sang the tears forth, I felt the sadness flow free down my family's cheeks. In amidst my own deep mourning, I felt a flare of power. I was doing something good, I was affecting directly in a way that a painting or photograph can't. So I've been singing since, and trying to get up the courage to ask two musical sorts to write original songs for me to sing and post on the internet somewhere.

Two or three hours after they put my grandmother's simple pine box in the ground, a dear friend that I've been crushing on for more than a year declared that the interest was indeed mutual. Perhaps that sounds like the worst possible time for such an admission, but the funeral dissipated the gloom-cloud that had been hanging over me for days. I stared at my computer screen and felt transported, dancing over the clouds.

So now there are three boys to juggle, as it were. My beloved Coyote, and two Europeans. How and when exactly I'll be seeing if the new Possibility becomes an actual lover is a moot point at the moment. Need a job, need lots less debt. I'm hoping to hop the pond next Spring or Fall and see them both . . . seperately. I am now dating three monogamous men, which just compounds my idiocy. I need at least three dunce caps. They're marvelous and so very different. I'm now wondering how fast I could get a degree for school psychology or somesuch. I want a life where I'm working in one country for most of a year, and going to Europe for every summer, dammit. And I want it now. I guess the fastest way is an MFA and then go for professorships- but the competition for those is crazy-tough. My portfolio isn't ready, either. But all that's getting ahead of myself: I still need to gear up for next semester and get myself a second part-time job.

Ambition is a fairly foreign thing in my life. As are long-term goals. I'm not really sure how to go about making them happen.

( Survey Says . . . Sex! )

Me + family + travel = epic fail