Flying Dreams

One husband-given giant orgasm before sleep makes the following day a lot shinier. I have a lot to do, but I'm hacking away at it.

Wowwwwww, what a game! I've screamed my throat raw and I cried tears of amazed joy when Torres scored. I can't believe that I was contemplating turning the game off when we were down two goals, with ten men on the field. And then Ramires scored out of nowhere, and watching the game no longer seemed so grim. But I have no nails left, I chewed them all down to the quick while watching Barca hack at our defense again and again and again. We're in the Champions League final, I can't believe it! Could we win? Yes, we can. I'm gonna be grinning like a goofball in the grocery store shortly.

I am still sick, still tired, but oh so happily home, an entire day before I feared. I spent last Wednesday through Monday babysitting and housesitting for LARPers who are parents of three. They wanted so badly to attend a lame-sounding Werewolf LARP event in Wisconsin, and that group has collectively given me so much over this past year. Free meals, free movies, hell, even a free camping trip to my very favorite National Park! So it was very easy for me to offer myself as a babysitter for two pretty easygoing preschoolers, especially with a mature, intelligent and interesting teenage daughter on hand to help out.

I had grand plans of making puppets for puppet shows and all sorts of silly paper crafts, maybe even getting the teenager to help me make a few coloring pages for the kids. But one of the gang of LARPers that was hanging out at the house for the first 16 hours or so that I was there managed to transmit his strep throat to me. Which made me sort of listless Thursday and Friday, and then completely miserable Saturday and Sunday. Yesterday was my first day of feeling something like myself, and naturally, a lot easier to handle the basics of caring for the kids.

But it almost doesn't matter, I had a grand time despite my physical misery. Liam is nearly two now, but he won my heart when he was just a few months old. I met him at Ezra and his mommy Melantha's 2010 birthday picnic. It was love at first mutual stare, and I'm still absolutely swooning over him. I don't know how to explain it, I am not the sort to coo and fawn over every baby- really, I very rarely do any of that. And he's worth my worship. Nearly two, and he cheerfully giggled through his whole weekend with no parents and a single stranger feeding him and changing him and putting him down for naps and bedtime and kissing his boo-boos better. I think everyone would want lots of babies if more babies were Liamish. I definitely want a couple.

The one who was so quick to fling herself into two-year-old style wordless sobbing tantrums was his five-year-old sister, Claire. But as Melantha put it so eloquently, Claire is all about the drama. There is no mellow, chill Claire, there is only Devastated! Claire and Starving! Claire but then also, there's the so-damn-cute Kitty! Claire and laughs-so-hard-she-shrieks Amused! Claire. Which is all so perfectly normal for extroverts her age, but it's a little wearying for a sick introvert and her teenaged sister who, naturally, sees childcare as a much lower priority than reading, texting, playing a complex app game on her iPhone, and other such things. We didn't have said teenager around at dinner on Thursday, because she was devastated at the closing of MegaVideo and texting her angst to all her friends. Heeheehee. Generally, she's so mature and such an able conversationalist that it's easy to forget she's fifteen- until she does something like that. Or leaves every single light on in the first floor of the house, such as I came downstairs to yesterday morning. Oh, teenagers. :)

But it was seriously a good experience for me, I loved getting to spend time with all three of them, and the cats, too. Their friendly one is a tuxedo domestic shorthair who looks almost exactly like the cat who raised me, except for being much bigger and male. Still, having him nestled on my chest and purring up a storm while I was stuck to the couch, trying to distract myself with Dr. Who or kids' shows and willing my immune system to fight harder, was a great comfort. Coyote called it cat therapy, and he's so right. I miss having snuggly mammalian friends around, I really do. Still hoping I can get new friends in Spring, but I may have to admit to myself that it may be 2013's Spring before I'll have a sure enough income-stream for such a luxury. Maybe not even then. *sigh* Stuffed animals and Coyote may have to suffice for awhile yet. Rowan said she got me sea monkeys for my birthday present- though I don't have them yet, that's pretty exciting. Not that I can snuggle a teeny tiny brine shrimp, but I do like watching them.

Glad to be home, even with two-year-olds crying downstairs that I can't rush to comfort as they're the neighbors' twin sons. This strep throat or whatevever it is came with a fever, and I had some delirious moments where I could hear Coyote snoring in the bed beside me- but it's so much better to get to actually snuggle up to him. Feeling optimistic this week about getting back on track for my portfolio review. And as scary as it is, I think I'm going to be the one to send the gentle reminder email, BUT I'm going to suggest us doing it in a few weeks' time, not ASAP. I just think it'll be easier for me to do this with a deadline, but if everybody forgets about my portfolio review, I'm not technically able to take the last class in my whole damn certificate!

Needless to say, I have not been a whirling tornado of accomplishment, as I'd hoped I'd be. But I still have goals that are reasonable, and I have the drive. Just need some healthy, productive days. I feel one coming on now!

p.s.- I have a silly temporary habit. When I hear myself fake-crying, I give into the learned impulse at hearing female fake-sobs: "Calm down, Claire!" So yes, I fake-sob and tell myself to calm down, Claire. I'm wondering if I'll do the same with real sobs, if I have any of those before the habit fades.

Well. Color me a bit more embarrassed.

I do all that whining (see previous entry) and it turns out, I went home with a very good present indeed. Coyote handed me a wrapped cylinder, with star candles on top. He said it was from an old acquaintence of ours, and the cylinder was a pillar candle. I was busy wrapping my paintings, and so I just shrugged and put it in my backpack. I barely talked to said old acquaintence at the party, I didn't bother to take out her present and unwrap it.

I finally unwrapped it, seconds ago. It is not a pillar candle. It is a jar of homemade mint bath salts.

That's a lovely present for me and Coyote, we share a bath every day in our deep clawfoot tub. I am touched, relieved, and of course now I feel like a gigantic brat for not even talking to said person, much less hugging them and thanking them sincerely.

I am an ungrateful brat who's going for a long walk soon, to see what other presents are out there that the world will give me if I just pay attention. Maybe I'll take my camera and there'll be beautiful images to capture.

I feel better. I'm still gonna send that text to Rowan, but I definitely feel better.

I would like to stop crying about a party and a party game, and the fact that I walked into that party with four presents in my arms and walked out with one, and a few candles. I know I am crying about far more than disappointing presents. I know there is just a lot wrong with this week (month, threemonth, sixmonth, year) and I was naive for thinking presents would make me feel better, and that in a random game with random presents, I would end up with a present or two that I liked but nobody else did.

I was super excited about the Secret Santa! I knew that the hostess worked hard to pair up people who knew each other, so chances were good it was an actual friend who would get me. And it was! A very old friend, who does know me. And he bought me a scented oil kit, which me and Coyote are allergic to. Aww. Oh well, no big deal, right? Here comes the Yankee Swap, and that'll be awesome. It sure was last year, we got a rice cooker that we use a lot.

I drew two numbers, and they were both shitty. Too early to see good things to steal, but so early that anything good would get stolen. Rather happily, the Nerf gun was stolen fast and I got to unwrap more presents. And one of them was a pair of gloves with blue and purple LED lights built in! Holy shit! I could stop my social anxieties in their tracks and make the pretty lights swirl around on the ceiling. Which I did, for like twenty minutes. Other people were envious, but they saw how much I was enjoying them so they didn't steal. And even better? A LARP friend bent close to me and whispered, "If anyone steals those gloves from you, I'll steal them back." I was guaranteed to walk out of the game with a great toy AND a great prop for my Glass Walker!

So I didn't burst into tears when silentstephi stole them from me. I didn't beg and plead and try to bargain, promise I'd make her a Mass Effect stuffed animal or painting or . . . whatever. Because that other friend had my back, and I had faith in him. He looked at me and said, "Oh no, that's the one person I can't steal those from." And after that, it was a huge struggle to keep my shit together and not cry in the middle of a room surrounded by friends and strangers. I kept thinking about how everyone else in that room is going to have more than one to two holiday/birthday presents, they were going to get the joy of things they longed for all year in their hands at last.

Not me. Same as usual. Rowan is going to get me a present, and it's . . . thoughtful but utilitarian. I have to text her when it's a sane hour today, I have to beg her to get me something off that list I gave her. I can't handle any more crushing disappointments, and she's the only one that I'm pretty sure is going to actually get me something. (To be fair, I pretended to be excited about her proposed utilitarian present. That's what I taught was the polite etiquette of all present-receivings.) The Ginger will probably forget.

And there I was, with a grand present, and one of my best friends there stole it from me (for a LARP prop, though her husband insisted she'll play with it a lot, too.), and someone I thought I could put my trust in betrayed me. Which means I have to go into every single Hidden Flame game prepared to see the object that's stirring up all these awful emotions in me, and try very hard not to burst into tears at the sight of it, or snap at people or anything else.

But I did end up getting a $25 gift card Visa thingee. I'm going to try to pay a bill with it. Otherwise I am tempted to make it so that Rude can buy me a cool present that we've been mulling over for years. I could also buy a thing from the list I gave Rowan with it, but that might make me even sadder about the futility of making a wish list at all.

No. I'm going to do this right, I'm going to beg Rowan via text as soon as late morning comes. I am allowed to receive one present I like.

So, besides the candles from an old friend, my haul ended up being: a Visa $25 card, a set for mixing alcoholic drinks, and a scented oil burner. I gave the giver back his mixing set and the oil burner, though I think he just left that behind. The guy who gave me the oil burner did ask me how I liked it, and I had no energy to lie anymore, so I told him I was allergic and he chuckled and apologized. But no promises of exchanging it. Fuck, I guess I should've asked if I could've done that. I was just so devastated.

Spent the rest of the party all fragile, terrified I was going to start sobbing any minute. (And I hate crying in front of anyone other than a few select people.) It all just seemed so unfair.

It was not a horrible party. I sat through some of the early parts of Scrooged with the hostess on one side, saying, "Oh man, you'll love this part!" every few minutes, and Squirrel on the other, touching my back and both reassuring me that, yanno, I was a wanted creature in their lives. That was nice. There were good conversations with others as well, including that rarely-spotted creature, the foxglovedt.

I am so ashamed of myself, weeping and wailing over material posessions. It would be nice if I could find inner Buddha calm. But I worked so hard at those three paintings and a choker I did. So damn hard. My disappointment is huge, and will weigh on me for awhile. I will strive to forgive the three I'm slightly angry with. I will correct the mistaken assumptions of the fourth who will indeed be giving me a thing, and hopefully, it'll be something on that list I gave her. I will stop this pity party, it's not like everyone else ended up with some amazing present.

It's snowing. Teeny tiny flakes that won't stick, but . . . second snow of the year. First one was before Halloween. That's lifting my heart a little. When these stupid tears on my cheeks dry, I think I'm going to go walk the boulevard. I haven't been out of the house in three days, I spent the last two painting up a storm.

Poor Squirrel. I still have to paint his present, and I'm afraid it'll be awhile before I can pick up a brush and not tear up. Oh well, I know he won't mind if I give it to him in mid-January.

I want a lot of things. I already posted the two Wish Lists I made for actual people. I suppose the only one left to share is my own personal one, which I expect to get to start picking at a month or two after landing a decent-paying job.

1. 311: Unity CD (latest)

2. Eminem: latest CD

3. Green Day's newest, second to newest.

4. Over-the-ear headphones.

5. 311: second to latest CD

6. RHCP Stadium Arcanum and the newest and Californication.

7. Rihanna/Ne-Yo CDs.

8. Lincoln School skirt:

http://www.lincolnschool.org/uploaded/uniform/Lincoln_School_Middle_and_Upper_Girls_Order_Forms.pdf

Style #1377H, cost $45.50. To buy, go directly to their store at 1950 Fall River Ave Seekonk, MA 02771, or call 1-800-462-8192. Ask for a catalogue, maybe? Their website is down.

9. An American Girl doll and ballet clothes and such. The basic doll I want is $100, $200 would set me up nicely with clothes and other accessories.

10. The dark opal belly ring from Rockstar Piercing.

11. The three Bratz Punkz that I don't have. The sparkle-eyed vintage My Little Ponies I don't have.

12. New PS2 games (Bully, second Indiana Jones, more Singstar, etc.)

13. A custom corset. Somewhere around $300 depending on corsetier and such. There's a decent one in Ohio who does local steampunk cons, I could theoretically get measured at one, fitted at a second, and then the final product mailed to me or something.

14. Sea Monkeys! Basic kit is $13 at Pow! Science.

15. I miss concerts. I should try harder to win tickets from various radio stations, that's gotta be easier if I'm willing to clog my FaceBook feed more.

It's kind of silly for me to make wish lists. Now that I'm part of the social media thang, I get lots of happy birthday wishes, and those are awesome and warm my heart. But for years I didn't give any presents for other people's birthdays, and therefore expected none in return. My lovers as a minor exception. This year I have made some things here and there, so maybe . . . well, no. I was asked to write these two lists by the generous souls who wanted them. Not sure if one is going to be used or not, but I dunno. I'm going to post them anyway. I like reading the things you guys are wishing to appear under your menorah, tree, or whatever. So here are mine.

1. New glasses! I can get the glasses themselves at a good discount near me (maybe $250 for two pairs?) but I need an eye exam. Vision World at a mall is fine.

2. New running shoes. I have everyday sneakers that will also be okay for walking, but I'm interested in jogging again, and those need proper running shoes. $100-150, Asics.

3. New hiking boots. My old ones are dead, I'd love another pair.

4. New computer? I think this one is on the decline. I'm sure it'll last six months, I'm not positive it'll last a whole other year.

5. After thinking it over for a whole year, yes, I really do want a DSLR camera. I will research for specifics, but I think I'll want one that can interchange the lenses with my SLR.

6. New shorts are desperately needed, both biking shorts and normal ones. I also need knee-high socks. I could probably use one more pair of jeans, a few new longsleeve shirts, maybe one sweater. Puffy coat and new bras/dresses are superfluous but cool. (New pants, new sweater, new longsleeve shirt, new dress, new skirt, new awesome skeleton hoodie, and several new bras aquired in October, from the person I made this list for. Yay!)

7. We need a good lasagna pan with a roasting rack. Replacement cake layer pans would be nice, maybe pie pans and/or a springform pan? I would love a nice mixer, but maybe that should wait 'til we're in a place with a real kitchen again.

8. I'd still love an American Idiot cast album CD. There's folk CDs I want, too, if we go to a Newbury Comics or something. (Katie Herzig, Dar Williams, etc.)

9. Skull Candy headphones (G.I. style. Black/dark grey, blue/white and black/grey/red all looked good to me.)

And list #2:

Some of these things are expensive. Some are free. It'd be neat if I got one item, I'm not expecting more.

Wish List for me:

Katie Herzig's The Waking Sleep album. (CD or high-quality mp3s, with album art)

311's Universal Pulse album (CD or high-quality mp3s, with album art)

Green Day's 21st Century Breakdown (CD or high-quality mp3s, with album art)

Novelty key covers. So Newbury Comics has these plastic things that slip over keys, they've got lots of fun shapes. My favorites are the unicorns and the skulls. I only have three keys that I carry on me at all times, but it would amuse me greatly to look down and see a skull or a unicorn whenever I open my door.

Sea Monkeys! Available at Newbury Comics. I do need a complete kit (the ones with the tank). I think the castle is pretty, but I'd be happy with the basic type of tank.

The dark opal belly jewelry from Rockstar Piercing on Thayer Street. In general, high-quality piercing shops are going to have high-quality jewelry that I feel comfortable putting in my belly, and staff that will put it in for me. Most other sources, including online, will have lots of crap that may give me infections. I'd rather not risk it. I've recently become really interested in getting a third piercing, the top of my right ear. Maybe a gift certificate? Or better, come to Rockstar with me.

Skull Candy headphones (G.I. style. Black/dark grey, blue/white and black/grey/red all looked good to me. Please no pink or logos.)

I hesitate to even put this on, it's SO expensive, but I have been wanting it for years. She's an American Girl doll, go to americangirl.com and then Shop---> My American Girl. The one I want so badly is "light skin with freckles, brown hair, blue eyes". She'll be easy to see if you search by eye color: blue. Her hair is long and medium brown, no bangs. I had been looking lovingly at her with silver glasses (choose glasses, then silver round glasses, the very bottom option), and the Everyday Play Jumper under Everyday Outfits, but really, it's the doll itself that's most important to me. I can make her dresses and accessories myself or buy them later.

Speaking of toys, there's a few you can track down on eBay, they should be far cheaper:

Bratz World London Pretty 'n Punk dolls: http://www.flickr.com/photos/migglemuggle/5047245109/

I still need Eitan and Cameron from this set. I'd prefer them mint in box, but as long as they have all their clothes, accessories and most importantly, their cats, I can deal with unboxed ones.

Bratz Tokyo-a-go-go dolls:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/migglemuggle/5005452082/in/set-72157624863823257/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/migglemuggle/5013128366/in/set-72157624863823257/

I only have Fianna from this set. In general, I prefer the boys to the girls. I remember really wanting Tokyo Eitan, I think, he was the one with the laptop. Again, mint in box is great, but I'll take any that are in good condition and have all their many, many clothes and accessories.

The other eBay-findable toy are a few I can't seem to find a good picture of. But they are Vintage My Little Pony Twinkle Eye ponies. I have three of them, I'm missing two or three. The ones I have are Galaxy (pink unicorn with fuschia, pink, orange and white hair, Big Dipper constellation on her butt), Locket? (not sure of the name, but she's a pink pegasus with three pink and purple keys on her butt and white, pink, peach and purple hair), and one whose name I totally don't know, but she's a yellow pegasus with five turquoise and pink masquerade masks on her butt, and turquoise, light blue, green and yellow hair. You're not going to find vintage ponies mint in box, but try to get ones that have few or no marks and discolorations, preferably no trimmed hair. Generally the best, cleanest condition you can find is what I want. :)

Again, I'm only expecting one Hanukkah/birthday gift. I will be just as happy with a single downloaded album, you don't need to spend money on me if there's none to spare.

Stuff for me and Coyote:

A gift certificate to Target, The Body Shop, Old Navy or Bed, Bath and Beyond would be put to good use without me needing to go into super-specifics. We'd have a lot of fun deciding what to get. We don't get to go shopping for anything other than groceries very often, so we'd make a giggle-filled day out of it.

Speaking of days out, a gift certificate to a restaurant could give us the rare treat of both a night that neither one of us has to cook and a real live date! Area restaurants that we like include Haruki East in Wayland Square, Red Fork in Wayland Square, Kabob 'n Curry on Thayer Street, Sakura on Wickendon Street, Ran Zan at the end of Blackstone Boulevard. I think we're both curious about Blaze on Hope Street, and of course Rue de l'Espoir is a pricy, very rare treat.

We can always use bath oils, bath salts, bath bubbles, etc. But we prefer hippie-dippie Body Shop stuff to things that are overly perfumed and chemical. Stuff that's formulated for kids should be okay on our skin, if The Body Shop is a pain to get to/order from.

Coyote and I are both huge 311 fans, and we don't have either of their newest CDs (Universal Pulse or Uplifter), so you could just download one or both (high quality mp3's, with album art) and we'd be very happy. :)



Wish Lists are interesting. I wonder if there'll be a day some years from now when I'm employed and have purchased most of the minor items on this list. A friend of mine who is well-employed tweeted tonight that she doesn't have any idea what she wants this year, and I believe it. She has awesome new toys every time I see her, and swaps them for upgraded versions regularly. I can wistfully wonder what it's like to want for nothing (materialistic, anyways), but we all have aspects of our lives that we envy in each other, ignoring the fact that others envy different aspects of our own lives. It's important to pause and give thanks for all that we have, and not lose ourselves to those desires to be someone different. And now I'm stepping off my semi-Buddhist soapbox.

A commenter on the AV Club site who calls himself Cookie Monster wrote about the Occupy Movement far, far more clearly and intelligently than I ever could. I should bake him some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in thanks. Here are his words:

Yes, there always going to be rich and poor. But we used to live in country where rich owned factory and make 30 times what factory worker make. Now we live in country where rich make money by lying about value of derivative bonds and make 3000 times what factory worker would make if factories hadn't all moved to China.

Capitalism great system. We won Cold War because people behind Iron Curtain look over wall, and see how much more plentiful and delicious cookies are in West, and how we have choice of different bakeries, not just state-owned one. It great system. It got us out of Depression, won WWII, built middle class, built country's infrastructure from highways to Hoover Dam to Oreo factory to electrifying rural South. It system that reward hard work and fair play, and everyone do fair share and everyone benefit. Rich get richer, poor get richer, everyone happy. It great system.

Then after Reagan, Republicans decide to make number one priority destroying that system. Now we have system where richest Americans ones who find ways to game system -- your friends on Wall Street -- and poorest Americans ones who thought working hard would get them American dream, when in fact it get them pink slip when job outsourced to 10-year-old in Mumbai slum. And corporations have more influence over government than people (or monsters).

It not about rich people having more money. It about how they got money. It about how they take opportunity away from rest of us, for sake of having more money. It how they willing to take risks that destroy economy -- knowing full well what could and would happen -- putting millions out of work, while creating nothing of value, and all the while crowing that they John Galt, creating wealth for everyone.

That what the soul-searching about. When Liberals run country for 30 years following New Deal, American economy double in size, and wages double along with it. That fair. When Conservatives run country for 30 years following Reagan, American economy double again, and wages stay flat. What happen to our share of money? All of it go to richest 1%. That not "there always going to be rich people". That unfair system. That why we upset. That what Occupy Sesame Street about.

My two LJ friends that answered this gave sensible, smart-girl answers, all investing and debt-payoff.

Sure, I'd pay off my debts, those are annoying. But I know I'd blow the rest. I want a house, with trees and room for a garden in the backyard. I want to study things I can't afford now, like ballet and horsebackriding. I want lots of expensive artist's tools, like leather, leathercrafting tools, a loom, and so much more.

And dear Gods, do I want to travel. All over Europe first, then some quality time in Australia- my husband misses home and I've not seen the whole west side of the country, or the center! There's practical things like a car, laundry machines, a new mattress. (I've been waking up every other day with a sore back, that's not a good sign. But that mattress is over twenty years old, it's not a surprise that it's no good now.)

Being this poor, I'm pretty sure I'd spend it all, and spend it fast. But maybe I'd get some cool stuff, and I know I'd have a great time for however many months or years it lasts.

Typing with sore fingers is interesting. I really wish I'd gotten more done on the costume before now, but I say that every year. I'm gonna try anyways. What's finished by Friday may not be the SUPER EXTRA AWESOME image in my head, but I think I can get something workable done. It means cutting back on my Occupy Providence time, boo.

But, I could check out Occupy College Hill, on my way to or from class on Wednesday night.

You know. That class that I haven't started the homework for, and won't before tomorrow.

I'm terrible, Muriel!

I'm also like eight steps ahead of everybody else in the class. And two hours of work will put me ten steps ahead. I can do that. And not beat myself up for doing more. Seriously, no Samhain game next year. Or at least, put it before Rowan's birthday (still working on her present- she must be ready to choke me by now) or the first weekend in November. Which are both game weekends of other LARPs, probably. Dammitall.

Still, we play four times a year. My players all know that we will never have the Imbolc game near Imbolc. And similarly, I really hope I remember to stick the Samhain game somewhere in September or November. October is so fucked. And last year, there were two other parties that didn't run this year.

But I'm looking forward rather eagerly to Friday and Saturday's games. I think I may drink at both; just a single one at the ball on Friday, and get fucking wasted on Saturday. Though maybe I won't bother with Friday, there'll be lots of excitement and I have plenty else to bring besides the mezcal or gin. Actually, yeah- I'm really sure I'll have someone to whack on, so those endorphins will get me higher than any booze can. I'll arrive to Saturday's shindig still drunk, most likely. Without having touched a drop of alcohol yet. Heehee, I like that prospect a lot.

I feel like there was other stuff to add in here, but my busy busy brain is blanking at the moment. Too much on it. Time to watch something silly on Netflix, then recharge my batteries with some good, solid sleep.

I am not an activist.

I’ve marched in a Pride Parade or two, done maybe two small college protests, but nothing since my early twenties. I’m 36 now, and I know what I am. I’m an artist who loves to laugh at the whole world, the polar opposite of those humorless activists.

But since 9/11, my own government’s been pissing me off. I don’t even want to go into all the reasons why. Two endless wars, one idiot puppet-figure President followed by a supersmart President who can’t get anything through an endlessly gridlocked senate and congress . . . what the fuck, Republicans? Are you so mad that there’s a nigger in the White House that you want to make sure his legacy is as tiny and inconsequential as possible? And why the hell did you get elected, anyways? You guys do so much to help out the very rich, why does anyone else ever swallow your bullshit and elect you?

I was so frustrated that I turned my back on politics shortly after 9/11, and I’ve tried to ignore it since.

But I heard about the Occupy Movement, and I read about thousands of people in New York City who were just as angry, just as lost and disenfranchised and sick of feeling utterly ignored by the government that’s supposed to be helping them. A little while later, I learned that the Occupy Movement had spread to Boston and other cities- and that plans were already well underway for Occupy Providence.

I decided to check out a teach-in they were having at Brown, just a few days before the official Occupy’s beginning. It was supposed to be right in the Brown quad, and that’s right on my way to my RISD evening class, so it’d work out well. But the Brown quad looked and felt really different. There were portable fence-sections, like they have to line parade routes, set up near each entrance. Did they think the teach-in was going to devolve to a mob that they’d have to contain by sealing off the quad? Puzzled, I kept walking, looking for any sign of the teach-in. I saw more campus cops than usual, and a few city cops standing around. I glanced back at a cop and saw that he was staring at me with wide, frightened eyes, talking rapidly into his walkie-talkie. Probably giving my description, but why? By searching for the teach-in, I looked out of place. But why was he so frightened? Did he think my backpack full of art supplies was a bomb? If I brought my T-square, which sticks its last six inches out of my backpack, would he have assumed it was a weapon?

Upset and frightened myself, I kept walking, out of the quad completely. I saw no sign of the teach-in, but once I reached the RISD library the reason was evident. They’d moved it inside because of possible rain, and I didn’t know where Brown students post flyers. I opened my laptop and stared at it, heart pounding, thoughts whirring. The only wifi I could connect to as a RISD CE student is the open network. I dared not look at my email or Facebook- what if that frightened cop had already alerted the whole force to search me out? What if my very intent to involve myself in a peaceful protest would be enough for them to arrest me? I knew I was in the midst of a full panic attack, but luckily I remembered a new app I’d downloaded for yogic breathing. Still, I was more worried than ever about Occupy Providence, which officially started on Saturday.

I spent a lot of time debating with myself whether or not to go. It’s one thing to go and feel that great energy of standing with people who passionately believe in the same cause as you. It’s another to be gassed, maced, beat down or trampled by the police and then arrested. I’m frightened of all that, I’m very frightened of jail. But somehow, I’m more frightened of what I would feel like if I didn’t go lend my voice to my own city’s collective shout to be heard.

I wasn’t sure what to wear or bring with me. What does one wear to possibly get arrested? And if I did get arrested, would I get my stuff back? Not sure, I tried to pack very light, nothing I would miss terribly. I settled on black cargo pants for the multitude of pockets and a Happy Bunny T-shirt. It made me giggle and seemed like a symbol of my non-activist identity, to go protesting in a shirt that had no political overtones whatsoever. I grabbed water, some healthy snacks, my camera and warm clothes, and headed out the door.

As rarely happens, I was going out just as the family that lives on the second floor was coming in. The father is an English guy who teaches at Brown. I told him I was headed out to Occupy Providence, which had been organized primarily by Brown students. He said, “Oh, really? Well, good luck deconstructing Capitalism.” And then said to his two-year-old twin sons that were still climbing the stairs, “Hurry up boys, the Capitalist machine is on the move! Time’s a-wasting!” Gods, I love English snark.

I climbed College Hill, passed Thayer Street that seemed strangely quiet, a good chunk of the Brown students that frequent it were elsewhere by now. Down the steep side of College Hill and up to Burnside Park.

In stark contrast to what I’d seen a few days ago at Brown, the park had no police presence but a few officers stationed by every entrance. No fences at the ready, no atmosphere of high tension. They were relaxed and jovial, and later helped stop traffic through the whole route of the march. Quite the opposite of what I’d been fearing, they were so nice and helpful. At least at the kick-off, I was relieved to be in a Bloombergesque city instead of a Meninoesque one.

I was lucky enough to get a shirt screen-printed right then and there by a plucky RISD student, and I wandered the crowd for a little while. There was a marching band, and lots of interesting signs. I know that certain media reports say that this is a movement of just young people, or just the homeless, or just whatever group they feel is ignorable, but I saw a hugely diverse range of people. Every economic class, many races, ages two to seventy. Even a huge range of ideologies. I spent a few moments near two executive looking types. One smirked and said to the other, “The sad thing? I bet all these people voted for Obama.” I bit my tongue and wandered on.

Soon we marched, all over Downcity. It was a huge rush to be part of a peaceful, passionate throng. You guys know that cobblestone circle with the Turk’s head building on one side? We filled it. Overfilled it. We took up a whole two blocks of Weybosset street, then swung around by the convention center and up past the mall, onto the steps of the capitol. That’s a lot of steps, right? A lot of space? We filled it, too. I guess we’d picked up people who were working or playing in Downcity as we marched. We had speakers periodically, but my favorite was the city worker who spoke at the capitol. “I’ve heard that we state employees put Rhode Island in a financial crisis with our pensions. Sorry about that.” Laughter, and then he pointed out the obvious, that our nation’s financial crisis is primarily due to the two neverending wars that we spend billions on, leaving nothing left for job or medical programs for the states. I wish I could remember his name, he was a witty guy, and really good at stating powerful ideas simply.

As we marched, we chanted: “Show me what Democracy looks like?” “This is what Democracy looks like!”; “Whose streets?” “Our streets!”; “Whose city?” “Our city!”; “Whose state?” “Our state!”; and my very favorite, “Banks got bailed out, we got sold out!” It felt good, it felt powerful. And the longer I stayed in Occupy Providence, the more powerful and cheerful I felt. I’m so glad I had the courage to come.

I danced for awhile at an impromptu drum circle near the fountain of Burnside Park (a few puerto rican and black men on big drums, a part-black, part-Native kid on a plastic bucket, a white guy on his own hands and thighs), loving the energy and the chance to express my own passion in dance. Then I slipped over to the mall for a cheap dinner and some much needed time off my feet. When I returned to Burnside Park, I found a guy strumming his guitar, and soon a second and third showed up. I was just about to do a big jam with them, when suddenly a pre-planned entertainment show started. So I listened instead, singing along with the four teenage girls who sang “Where Have All the Flowers Gone”, enjoying the hell out of the two drum-songs done by the Eastern Medicene Singers. The head of AS220 even came up with a short piece, and I was impressed. After the end, I couldn’t hold my inner drama queen in any longer. I leaped up onto the ledge of the Burnside statue that was serving as our stage, and I told the crowd, “I just have to sing a song that’s been in my head ever since I came here this afternoon.” And then I belted out a decent (if slightly hoarse from all the shouting during the march) rendition of Green Day’s “Minority”. I got a lot of applause, and several high-fives from my fellow youth. I’m going to go back with lyrics to more modern protest songs printed out- just because there were great songs in the sixties doesn’t mean we can’t use the more modern ones.

I found one of the guitarists and sang a few things, but it was getting cold and close to midnight. I’d told my husband that I’d be back by ten, oops. So I trudged up College Hill, dreaming of baking big batches of cookies to bring with me next time.

Next time wasn’t until yesterday, Monday the 17th. I happened to be Downcity with a half-hour to spare in my day, so naturally I spent it at the drum circle, dancing up a storm. This was a whole different circle, though I think I recognized my RISD CE professor of AfterEffects. In fact, I ran across only one or two people that I recognized from Saturday. That’s great! That means they’re resting and warming up sometimes. I found myself yet again reluctant to leave. Oh how I wish I could camp with them, but my schedule won’t allow it until early November.

As I got on the bus home, I heard the driver talking to another passenger. “Those kids- they all want to be arrested, it’s the only way they’ll make the news!”

Furious, I sat down and tried to put all the screaming I wanted to do into a calm, polite, simplistic retort. But I couldn’t manage it. Maybe that’s why activists have no sense of humor, they’re too angry all the time.

When the bus driver pulled up to my stop, he wished me a nice day. I wonder what words he would’ve used if he’d known I was one of those damn kids, who, incidentally, has a huge aversion to being arrested.

I still don’t think of myself as an activist. But somehow I’m sitting here in my Occupy Providence T-shirt, thinking about what excess crap of mine I can bring with me to donate when I go back today. I’m sure we have an extra blanket somewhere . . .

Oh, if you’re interested in seeing what’s going on with Occupy Providence at this very second, click here: http://www.livestream.com/occupyprovidenceri

They’re taking donations of food, warm clothes, tents, sleeping bags, blankets, art supplies, and really, anything that might help. Go check it out, it’s awesome.

My photos from Occupy Providence, day one. More to come, as well as stories. :)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/31124532@N08/sets/72157627782258231/

Oh internet-at-home, I've missed you so!

You can all breathe a sigh of relief, I'm not going to be posting every fucking thought in my head anymore.

Whoops, guess I've missed the ditl deadline. Guess I'll just post the photos for my own amusement, then. It's been a busy weekend, but I'll be able to sit down and code some HTML Tuesday, I think.

That's a guess, though. I might not be able to at all. I always forget how insanely busy October always is.

And I know why, but that's not something I want to talk about now.

I am tired and hungry, but it's the good kind of tired, borne of a full, physically-intensive day of digging a big huge hole in the ground, moving rocks, and running beside a rather cute three-year-old boy who I allowed to play in the loose dirt-mounds but not the hole itself. And now I know, if I do ever want to have a kid, I need to raise and train a really brilliant sheepdog first. It's the only way. Who else has the stamina to herd a kid for more than a few hours?

But now I've handed the kid back to his mom and am chilling on the couch while the boys play Halo. Squirrel took a nap on me, literally. He's kind of adorable while sleeping- I particularly liked that he fell asleep holding my hand. D'awwww.

I just told Rude about all the dirt ground into my skin right now and he called me a dirty girl. Not gonna deny that one!

I hope that I didn't strain my back or anything. I am really grooving being mobile again after spending a few days last week in too much pain to walk. But uh . . . I did walk the boulevard three times in five days after a Hibernation of sitting on my ass, so. Not surprising. I'm trying to write this to distract myself from how damn hungry I am, but it's not working. Maybe I'll ask the mommy if she can spare a juice box.

Heh, juice box. Usually I use that term as my evil vampire, to describe humans. *giggles*

Evil Guide Plan

Congratulations on being the creator of a new Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: soul accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: love (yes, it works)

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first seduce a town mascot. This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods, paralyzed by your arrival. Who is this Nightmare beyond Comprehension? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good wearing the skin of another human?

Stage Two

Next, you must desecrate the internet. This will all be done from a amusement park, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will fall into catatonic trances, as countless hordes of animal minions (rats, birds, etc...) hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must release your horsemen of the apocalypse, bringing about Rivers that Run Red with Blood. Your name shall become synonymous with dear God No, and no man will ever again dare steal your woman. Everyone will bow before your Mystical Abilities, and the world will have no choice but to fall madly in love with you.

Make your own Evil Plan here.

So my entry got approved for that day in the life thing. And I did indeed mess up the HTML, but only in the form of two repeating pictures. I can live with that, as first entries go. It's here if you want to experience a lazy day of mine visually.

The Verizon guys didn't show up for their appointment, gave no reason nor rescheduled appointment. My duty is to call my ISP every day to ask for updates, after resetting the modem. I am not amused.

But, I get to be at the Castle on a non-Castlesitting day and enjoying their free internet, coupled with comfy couches AND windows. This day does not wholly suck. And I'm three days from what I expect might be my best weekend of the summer, followed a week later by my second-best weekend of the summer.

Not looking forward to school much, but we are very much in grit-your-teeth-it'll-be-over-soon territory. If, you know, the class I need runs at all. If it doesn't, I should take something fluffy like watercolor painting. It'd be very bad to let that part of my brain atrophy for a year.

Wednesday, August 17. About 2am.

I’m grumpy as fuck tonight. Guess it’s a good thing that the internet isn’t working, because as I worked on my beadloom for the last hour, all I could think about was a post on my IV packforum, and what it probably said, and how my werewolf’s reaction probably will be to just walk out of the pack she’s had for at least three years.

Lame. Bridge-burny. Necessary? I dunno. But that particular character will go to pieces pretty damn quick without a pack. Am I doing that thing I’ve done twice with Elutul now, where I’m scared of failing my Adren challenge and let my character self-destruct so I don’t have to face it? Maybe.

Such a silly thing to be afraid of. A cool (and ultimately, modest) achievement in a pretendy funtime game. Just because I’ve never done it doesn’t mean I never will. Maybe I’ll even get to do it in a matter of months from now, my Stargazer just got Fostern and she might feel awesome enough to just go for Adren soon after the time limit elapses. There are some pretty cool Gifts waiting . . .

Thursday, August 18. 12:05 am.

I did go to the bookstore to lap up three whole hours of lovely lovely internet, but I forgot to post the above to eljay. Oh well. Not exactly my most brilliant entry ever.

Thing on packforum was worse than I thought. I’m supremely pissed, especially because it’s happened at a time which I can’t be online enough to fix it properly. But how much of this anger is me channeling my frustrations at broken internet and other things, scapegoating both a character and a player that I like a whole lot?

I’m laughing. I just realized a Wifi I totally can steal, though of course in order to go get it I’d need clothes and a juiced up battery. I guess I’ll plug in, though I doubt I’ll go actually use it tonight. I miss internet at home so fucking much. I can’t relax fully when I’m online and in the basement of the bookstore or a café or whatever. I’m not home, sunk into my dish chair and able to drift away from the here and now so easily.

I called Three tonight and spent ten minutes ranting and raving about that to him. Bad girlfriend, very bad. What the hell are my whiny white girl problems to his current ones? I didn’t ask about his, or how he’s doing. He didn’t let me, he had another call to make. And I totally pulled a my-dad and didn’t let him say goodbye for another ten minutes. I just can’t do anything right today.

I did get to play on IV, I got a quick but awesome Changeling scene. Fantastic new project may be on my satyr’s horizon. Fun with friends and Rude was had. Wish I could get another hit of that now, but again . . . naked, not much battery, walking two blocks to outdoor internet not appealing. I’m harping on this like a heroin addict, but I don’t care.

I also fucked up a project that looked so promising when I started it last night. Now I may have to start from scratch, but I’ll undoubtedly get stuck at the same spot, and what do I do? The Internet would know, and happily tell me. But there’s no internet, and so this attempt #2 at making my own beaded iPod case has stalled out. I could clear it off and start sketching out the back design for Three’s already-overdue birthday present. That was the real point of our phone call, and we settled on either a kookaburra or a glyph for the Sept of the Hidden Flame- which he’s sending me, I won’t be able to download it or search for it myself until I hit an internetty place tomorrow.

Hm, maybe I could roll some pennies and get a few bucks for an iced tea from one of those internetty cafés. A project! That’s feasible to do tonight!

Yay, $4 in pennies. Might be enough for an iced tea and a cookie. It’s the little things, I swear. It’s early, but I feel cranky and sleepy. Here goes try one at sleep.

Thursday, August 18, 11:30am.

Hunh. Try one worked. Oh, I forgot to mention that the Toy Room is clean now. Sparkling. I’d say cleaner than ever, but I dunno. I do like that it’s more functional for its intended purpose now, as my studio room. I moved out my gigantic ink-drinking printer and the desk it sat upon, and put up cheap cube storage which is filled with yarn, cords, material, and other project-stuff, now easily grabbable. There’s still bags and bags of material in the closet, but it’s much more organized and easy to find just what you need.

I feel like there’s something cooler I could do with the stereo and boxes of tapes, but I’m not sure what. Guess I’ll leave it be for now.

As for all the social options, I skipped Tuesday’s, I need to call to politely decline Thursday’s, and try to get rides for Friday and Sunday. Sunday won’t be a problem, though it’s looking like I will have to put up with a full 24 hours of someone who can get on my nerves. But maybe not, gotta see what One’s plans are. It’s been handy as hell having him living in Providence this summer, and always delighted to bring me and/or Coyote around to the various LARPs and parties.

I’m failing at working on my script or portfolio site or hiking/fitness this week. I’m going to Arcadia in a little more than a week and I really wish I’d have more strength and wind than I do now. Ah well, that’s the danger with camping trips that get planned very last-minute. Seems like this is the year for spontaneous trips, I still feel like I would’ve gotten so much more psyched up for motherfucking DISNEYWORLD if it hadn’t been such a shock, and right after my semester ended, the time when I savor long lazy days of nothing.

Bookstore, bank, and then an afternoon lolling in a café, enjoying the internet and slowly sipping a big old iced tea. That sounds fantastic.

Text: "Mmmmmmeat!"

Image: a kid about to slice into a steak, or with an empty plate and dreaming of marvelous meats and fishes.

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,2063952,00.html

Interesting, I really had no clue what the issue was. Stay alive, Livejournal. Keep giving Russians and random folks all over the world a free place to express themselves and debate whatever the hell we want to!

This is a test of the "is LJ really back up or not" system. This is only a test.

So I am going to do the garden thing, and not for a few weeks. Months. But it's really a matter of going every two or three days, not every day. I can handle that, and it's not as far away as I'd feared. Really just another few blocks after the grocery store, I can totally handle that walk or bike ride.

Said garden plot's owner brought me out to a nursery and bought me two healthy looking young blueberry bushes, with handfuls of ripening berries already on them. Oh goodness, they look scrumptious. But I'll be terribly disappointed if all the birds I saw flitting around the community garden leave me none to eat myself.

So tomorrow I have to get some netting (alas, not enough of a fiber badass to make my own yet) and PVC pipes or other structures. Make frame, tie netting over, secure to ground. Et voila.

Well.

First rake back the hay, dig up the row of very bitter lettuce, set aside for bunny. Dig two deep and wide holes, place peat moss in the bottom. Place blueberry bushes, fill in loose dirt. Water liberally. THEN goes the frame and netting, you birds CAN NOT HAS.

I've just recently forgiven all squirrelkind for eating all my sunflower sprouts, my last try at gardening.

I'll pick Coyote's brain tonight, maybe he has ideas for bird netting that involve things we have around the house. For the life of me, I can't think of anything netted except our shopping bags, and those holes are too big even if we were up to taking them apart for the sake of innocent blueberries.

We're getting an awesome date, dinner at Johnny Rocket's followed by the very last Harry Potter movie. I'm sad that it's coming to an end, we've been there opening night (well, the first evening, midnight showings aren't appealing to morning people like my spouse) for every single movie. Now what will I drag him out to see with me for our oh so rare theatre-dates?

Ah well, there'll be something. A looming bill is paid, a big enough external hardrive is winging its way to me now. Have to call two Mac repair places to see if they can offer a better deal than what the Apple Store did (probably), then back up the whole darn thing and get it fixed.

Next week, sign up for classes. Probably just the one class. RISD decided to fuck with me a little more, changing the name of the class I've been waiting a full year for the chance to hopefully take again. I hope it runs. I hope it has a good professor. I hope I can balance it well with whatever job I can grab.

A little Netflix, then I should look at website templates. And then Deathly Hallows Part Two!

I have a funny feeling in my middle.

I think it's hunger!

Oh, thank the Gods. Food and I can go back to being very good friends. I really don't like it when we're fighting.

Sometimes I wish I could take out my heart, peel back the veins and the first few layers of tough muscle, and pull out a little purple wriggly thing. "Hi there, Ms. Strange Emotion!" I'd say. "Could you tell me what you're really stemming from, because the reasons you're claiming for your existence are small for how big you feel. So I know there's other things feeding into it and there's bigger things behind your petty excuses, but I'm sleepy now and don't want to spend hours digging out what those might be. Could you just tell me?"

And I'd hold it up to my ear and the little wriggly creature would rat tat tat tat, and just like that, I'd know the root causes and could address them, dismissing the stupid ones with a laugh and working on the others.

I should sleep soon, it'll be great to snuggle. And I have a whole day to hang out with my Coyote tomorrow, I can hope we'll have another of our several recent Completely Awesome Conversations and he and I can go digging for that wriggly purple creature together. Strange emotions are strange!

Dealing with a computer repair after the three-year warranty runs out is so much more daunting than before. I need to get the money together and find an external hardrive for backing up everything before it's sent out for repair. Luckily the Apple Store will set up a spare monitor and let me do the actual backing up there. Just writing this to quickly note that the size of my hardrive is either 200 or 250 gigs, so that's the size hardrive I need.

I had to make a pretty tricky decision yesterday, with the foreknowledge that whichever option I chose, I'd not be thrilled with it.

And that's just what happened, there's sort of equal parts relief and kicking myself. But that's life. I can't be two people, I can't flick off emotions that arise at inconvenient times.

I am pleased about most of yesterday, though. I finished this sometimes trying semester on a high note. The prof really liked my final project for Lace Weaving. It's such a stark contrast, a gentle crit versus one of those soul-flaying ones. I don't feel empty in the middle and swearing I'll never work in media X (fiber, in this case) again. I feel validated, thinking about box looms and idly wondering if I could manage to take her tapestry course next Spring. I'll hopefully be taking my last class for the certificate at the same time, so it depends on how energetic I feel.

In celebration for the end of the semester, I got a lunch date with my Coyote. Well, lunch for him, delicious hot fudge sundae for me! I'd already dined on avocado and crackers, one of my current favorite lunches. There's a creaminess to avocados that's sublime.

Now the prospect of a wide-open weekend (and summer, really) yawns before me. I think I'll be clearing yarn off my art table and sorting it away so that madcap hijinks- er, various projects- can ensue. Maybe I'll get around to writing about my two recent family vacations, too.

I knew this already, but it's still fun to see. I was born at a perigee, the New Moon came close to get a good peek at me.

What I want to do today:

• Read more of my werewolf books.



• Start outlining my Erotic Comics presentation.



• Teach myself some decorative knots, perhaps start a prototype for my 2.0 collar.



• Sleep and watch animated movies all day.

What I need to do today:

• Make a quick pass at the homework, knowing full well it won't be thorough or awesome this week.



• Go to said class, probably drugged up on sinus meds.



• If I want two doses of said meds to feel better this afternoon and this evening, I can get them! But only if I walk to the bookstore. Ugh.

silentstephi took me to art supply stores this morning, and that put me in a grand mood. I bought a little brush of my favorite type and got to do the usual hazy-eyed look around at all the fun stuff, and imagine the beautiful things I could make with each and every item I laid eyes on. I hope I didn't share my sinus infection with her in exchange, I'm feeling worse now but I'm pretty sure I'm past the contagious point.

My head is stuffed with cotton, and it's annoying me to the point that I'm going to have to cut this short and talk about my lovely weekend some other time. For now, now it is naptime, and then it will be homework time. And then hopefully a bit of satyr-playing time, as it'd be good to get my spirits up before the inevitable ugh of waiting for a bus in the cold. But first, sleeeep.

My apologies to those of you who'll see this multiple times, but I'm really excited about this, my first opportunity to be a presenter for the Flea! I get to do a werewolf lecture and teach people cartooning basics!

The Fetish Fleamarket is February 11-13 at the Westin Hotel in Downcity Providence, admission is only $30 for all three days, or $5 for Friday, $20 for Saturday or Sunday. It's a pretty amazing con, definitely aimed at beginners to the BDSM scene but with plenty to do, see, and buy for people of all levels. More information is available here, http://nelaonline.org/Zambia-FFF36/ and this is the lowdown on my classes:

Erotic Comics, Saturday 2/12, 12:30-2:00pm

Have you ever wanted to create your own naughty comic or draw your own kinky character? You don’t need to be a trained artist to make great erotic cartoons! A brief presentation on the history of naughty comics will be followed by simple techniques for getting your own fantasies down on paper. Everybody can leave with a pinup or a short strip of their own making.

Shapeshifting Roleplay, Sunday 2/13, 1:30-3:00pm

Shapeshifters are a rich and dense area of myth that has recently spiked in attention due to the release of many major movies and books in the last few years; including the second and third part of the Twilight series and several horror films. But how can you incorporate werewolves, werecats, or other werecreatures into your kinky roleplay? A presentation on the history and variety of shapeshifter mythos will be followed by a brief live demonstration.

Bio

Kikea has been known as a Rennaissance Woman since high school, and that "must learn about everything" attitude has served her well in her six years in the BDSM scene. Currently a RISD student in Comic and Sequential Art, her day job is a freelance photographer, graphic designer and illustrator for Haka Wholesale/bluexotics.com and other clients. She draws, paints, photographs, does a variety of fiber art and leatherwork, and is working on becoming a polyglot. Her biggest hobby is roleplaying, Werewolf: the Apocalypse and Changeling: the Dreaming are her favorite systems, though she dabbles in others. Her favorite kinks include shapeshifter roleplay, animal roleplay (especially ponyplay), bondage, sensory deprivation, and the psychology of BDSM. Let's do the mind warp again.

( Metaphor Meme )

Oh dear, a Grey's Anatomy reference in the title of an LJ entry. Suppose I should come out of the closet about that too. I really don't watch any TV except PBS and the occasional Chealsea FC or New England Revolution soccer game these days, but I do follow Grey's Anatomy on Hulu. I'm aware of how silly and high-drama it is, but the huge emotional sweeps of each character mixed with plenty of blood, guts and internal organs hit many pleasure spots at once.

I made it through the two dullest days of the year, and thanks to actual holiday presents that my parents got me when they visited a few weeks ago, just after Hanukkah. In the past two or three days, I've seen nearly all the (mostly used) DVDs they let me pick out for myself. Saw I, II, III and IV, and Inception. Only two seasons of The Simpsons are left unwatched, and those I have fresh memories of from their long syndication.

But those five movies are an awful lot of mind-twisting for a short space of time: I feel thoroughly mindfucked, smoking a clove in bed with a blissful expression on my face and my limbs akimbo over the rumpled sheets. I bet I could make it even better someday, get doompuppy to help me assemble an incredible marathon of great headfuck movies.

I've seen all of these movies before, but they're so much better after time to think about them. I'd accidentally managed to watch Saw IV before III, (and I still haven't seen V and VI yet but I'm sure I'll enjoy them) and now that I've seen them in the right order I know something marvelous: III and IV take place on the same night. The game Jigsaw crafted as his swan song was breathtaking in its complexity. The pawns playing against pawns! The fates he tied together, and how! The grand disappointment in his protégé, and what does it mean that he had to orchestrate her death! Oh, it's all so lovely and the gore is beautiful.

Some of it even crept into my dreams, I saw an old college buddy who I've been talking to a lot on FaceBook. He was having a calm conversation with me and some others, showing us how he could skateboard without a board, just put his feet in perfect first position and move down hilly asphalt as if he had wheels beneath him. I noticed that one strip of flesh on his face was missing, beneath his left eye. About an inch and a half, one solid strip down to his jaw, one rectangle of skin gone, the reddened muscles exposed and blood seeping out. Must've been a very precise road rash or some such, but it didn't bother him and we didn't comment on it.

I wonder if someday I'll have a dream I'm in one of Jigsaw's tests, or that I am one of the protégés, testing someone else. I wouldn't be Amanda, I'd make it real tests. Hope is an agony during fight-for-life struggles, but it has to be true hope to be true agony. I wonder if I could someday build something in Second Life . . . is there gore in Second Life, anywhere? I think I must get age verified to see.

Coyote offered me a tissue, because I shed a few tears during the closing shot of Inception this morning. I think that may be the first time that I've cried the second time I've seen a film and not the first. The first time I was just too stunned, my mind reeling at the possibilities. I'm still not sure, I've got some new theories and new questions, and I think that like The Who's Tommy and Jacob's Ladder, Inception will be a movie I'll be picking apart for a significant chunk of my life.

It's snowing now, we're supposed to get some real accumulation for the first time this winter. Coyote's bundling up now to go walk (with me!) in it, so I'd better finish this to join him.

Oh yes, and we ate like royalty yesterday. Quesadillas for lunch, yummy spinach lasagna for dinner and chocolate chip cookies after. All from scratch, 2/3 made by me. So glad there's leftovers!